We lost Archie Oliver, my nephew, to SIDS on Sunday 16th June 2024. He was just three and a half months old.
It was the first time I have ever truly experienced grief - proper, deep grief. It felt like living under a dark cloud for around six to eight weeks. You couldn’t really feel anything. You feel numb. I lost my appetite, which for people who know me is incredibly unusual. I didn’t really enjoy seeing friends or being around anyone, especially if you had to make small talk.
You can’t even start to process what has happened. The worst thing possible has happened to your sister, and you lose all ability to reassure yourself because something so terrible can actually happen. Waves of sadness would overcome you - they would hit you in the stomach and almost take your breath away. It was only when the fog started to lift slightly that I could comprehend how I had been feeling in those first few weeks and begin to understand the feeling of grief. The sadness never leaves you, but it becomes less oppressive, and you can start to function in normal life better than you had.
Watching my sister go through such a deep loss was simply the worst part of the whole experience. I have never seen someone go through so much pain, agony, upset and devastation. Knowing that you can’t help them or change what has happened is just so hard, especially as an older sister. I felt so very, very sad about what they were going through and just couldn’t understand how it could happen to such amazing people and such amazing parents.
I don’t think anyone knows what to say or what to do. Everyone is in such a state of disbelief that you simply exist and function. I tried to support Emily and George by just being there and giving them company - long walks and lots of cups of tea. You feel completely helpless and everyone is so desperate to help that it is almost better to just be there quietly, for when you are needed.
Having several toddlers in the house really helped keep people busy, as we always had to look after the children. People asking how they could help or how everyone was feeling almost became frustrating because you didn’t want to have to help anyone else decide what would be helpful or explain yourself to anyone. Those who turned up with cooked food, cooked a meal, or entertained the children for a few hours were the most helpful.
I have never felt like I am entitled to prioritising my own grief - almost as if it would be a selfish thing to do. It hasn’t happened to me, so my role is to support the parents.
I had a close friend who had also lost a child, and she was helpful to speak to. She was able to give me an insight into what my sister was going through, which I found useful in trying to comprehend the feelings and emotions my sister might be experiencing.
I am hoping that at some point there will be somewhere we can go to visit Archie - a plaque or a bench or something to visit. For me personally, I would like to be able to take the girls on his birthday and other important occasions to somewhere that signifies him, so we can all say hi and wish him Happy Birthday. The girls are great singers.
I have the deepest and most profound respect for my sister. How she has dealt with this situation is beyond inspirational. She is the strongest person I know anyway, and I admire her even more now. As siblings - there are four of us - I feel that we now have a deeper connection, and I hope we can always be there for each other in the future.
This loss has completely changed my perspective. The morning at the hospital, and all of us standing in a circle telling our parents what had happened, are two images in my mind that will never leave me. It puts the whole world into perspective. It reminds you just how precious life is and how important family is. I make far more of an effort to make sure my children know I love them very much and to treasure the time I have with them. You just never know what is round the corner, so you have to savour every moment.
Simply being there shows you care. Don’t expect anything from them - just be there, be patient, and help them get through the day. It really is a case of getting through each hour and then each day as it comes. You have to take it day by day because there are so many enormous waves of emotion to deal with as time goes on.
When the time is right, I think it is important to seek help from professionals. There will come a time when the parents need to process what has happened properly, and therapists who are experts in this area are vital.